Grace is Gone

It's never easy,

Even if they say that it'll pass in time,

Who are they to say that it'll pass when it's not them who's suffering,

Stop pretending as if that you can feel the pain,

Perhaps that's anger speaking,

Perhaps that it's not your fault,

Loss can be at times irrational,

Can someone who's experience loss be rational?

How can someone else feel what you feel?

This pain of a part of your soul that's being ripped out viciously,

Unwilling, Unexpectedly,

This sense of unfairness of why should this person go,

Crippled, it's a wonder how we can ever move on,

But time goes on,

We weep and we grieve,

The living must keep on living,

Because by living we honor the past,

By living, we keep the memories close,

We are limited in what we can do,

But we alive by staying strong,

We may choose to say that the end has come,

Or that it's called a passing because they're in a better place,

In the end, their memories is eternal should we choose to let them continue living in our memories.

A part of them continues as a part of us,

Growing into who we are today.

~Dedicated to those who had passed and those still living~

            Death is never easily accepted. Above all, death is irrational. Different people may deal with death differently but death is rarely painless. As was illustrated by Stanley Phillips (John Cussack) whose wife had recently passed away in combat while serving the military in Iraq. Stanley is left with the fact that he have to break the news to his two daughters. Finding difficulty with dealing with his wife’s death and telling his daughters, he did the next thing that he only knew how; bringing what is left of his family to the last place that they had their happiest memories. Enchanted Garden.

Grief

            Throughout the film, we are shown the transition of how Stanley cope with the loss of his wife. Starting from the state of disbelief or denial, he withdrew into himself. Facing with the reality of his wife’s passing, he tried to face his empty home that his wife will no longer return to.This is consistent with Kübler-Ross’s model on the Five stages of grief. Stanley started with denial when he first heard of his wife’s passing. Even to the point of not even able or wanting to tell his daughters that their mother has passed. Choosing instead to take them to Enchanted Garden. On a whim. In the beginning stage of his grief, all Stanley wanted to do was to just get away from where he is with his daughters. Even the diner that the family usually goes to holds too much painful memories for him. He desperately needs to get away from everything. His job, his house, his town, his friends, in other words; he needs to leave his current life at the moment.

             Throughout the journey to Enchanted Garden, we see Stanley moving from Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and eventually Acceptance. Not necessarily in that order. However, it is quite evident that after they left the town that they were in; Stanley was moving between anger, bargaining and depression. It started with a phone call to their house phone. As the phone message recorder is of his late wife, Grace. He spoke as if he’s literally talking to her on the phone. This act can be seen as a form of bargaining. Stanley succumb to his depression early on when he finally has time to be by himself and in private. Crying and curling up in bed at his mother’s house. His anger comes during the interaction with his brother, John. It is easily misinterpreted that Stanley is generally hostile towards his brother who have differing political views. As was seen when they (including the daughters) were sitting down at dining table. When John found out about and confronted Stanley about Grace’s(wife) passing, Stanley lashes out aggressively and pins John to the door but eventually breaking down and asking John to keep it a secret from his daughters. In a way, this can be seen as the first clues or steps to Stanley moving towards accepting the death of his wife.

            As they move along their journey to Enchanted Garden, Stanley moves from being somewhat detached from his daughters to eventually reconnecting with them again. Which was probably brought on by the fact that he found Heidi missing from the motel room one night and caught her trying out smoking. Discovering that Heidi has not been able to sleep much ever since Grace was dispatched to Iraq. He asked her to wake him up and talk to him every time she was not able to sleep by trying to break the ice by smoking with her. This is interesting in a sense that the first step in moving toward his acceptance of his wife’s passing was to reconnect with Heidi. Who as shown at the beginning, seemed to be at odds with her father. Even Dawn was no exception, as he connected with her after he relented to them getting their ears pierced. Eventually, after a day’s worth of fun at Enchanted Garden; he finally broke the news of Grace’s passing to his daughters. The final stage of acceptance.

            

The Whale Rider - A story of change and of pain

A New Zealand and Germany co-production, the film tells the story of a young girl, Paikea Apirana(Paikea Apirana) whose tribe is “dying”. Not so much of a physical one but rather a cultural one. Directed by Niki Caro based on the book of the same name, written by Witi Ihimaera.

Pai born into a Maori tribe that is the direct descendent of Paikea, the Whale Rider. Whom is said to ride on top of a whale from Hawaiki to where they are now. She wasn’t really accepted by the her grandfather, Koro when she was born. Her father was the first born of the family and her grandfather is the tribe chief. When she was born, both her mother and her twin brother died. What makes this important, is that the leadership of tribe can only be pass down to first born males. Pai was neither. If there’s anything, Pai is what most superstitious folk consider as a curse or bad luck.

 From a very young age, Pai showed an affinity towards the tribe’s cultures and rituals. If anything, Pai holds a strong love for her tribe. This is evident from how she tells the females from her tribe to stop smoking and how she recites all the tribe’s chants flawlessly.  

Despite how it may look like, the film’s theme isn’t so much about sexism but rather of a dying way of life due to modernization and a refusal to adapt. Pai despite her being the one that is the most qualified to take up role of leadership in the village, she is not allowed to due to the fact that she is female. Her uncle, Rawiri despite being a male, he is unable to take up leadership because he was the second born.

The film explores if culture and traditions should be preserve at the cost of possibly dying out.  It brings into conflict on the idea of preserving traditions and adapting change to survive. Despite this, the film isn’t about one idea against the other. It is about understanding the necessary change in order to preserve the culture. Sometimes even possibly bringing a new positive change. This can be seen evidently from Pai dedication to learning her tribe’s rites and chants. Even going against her grandfather’s wishes to keep her from learning about the tribe chief’s lesson.

All in all, “The Whale Rider” is about preserving culture but also about the necessary sacrifices needed in order to preserving it. In this case, it’s about sacrificing the tradition of a male only chief. When it did finally come for Pai as the new chief, we can see in the film, that there seems to be more people in the tribe now. This is assuming that the people that had left the tribe had come back. Most notably is Pai father who had already build a life for himself in Germany. He even finished building tribal boat (waka), a project that was left stagnant after the death of his first wife. Also interesting to note is that when the waka had set sail for the first time, the women are seen peddling alongside the men. Possibly signifying that change is not just limited to just Pai but also the entire tribe. The tribe had gone through a transformation. 

Forget Paris - There ain't nothing there no more

            Forget Paris exemplifies the typical workings of relationships. One of very few films that actually shows what happens after the “happily ever after” stage of a relationship. Which isn’t unsurprisingly, not necessarily happy. We have Mickey, the most wanted NBA referee and Ellen an independent woman with career. Despite their odd chance encounter, romantic courting, and against all odd to get together; they have their failings as a couple. Such as miscommunications and selfishness.

            This film challenges the ideas of a happily-ever-afters. Bringing to fore, there is none. It does just highlight the challenger in a marriage but also the efforts to work on it. A rarity among popular Hollywood films.

            One of the main elements in a relationship is communication. What can be seen from both Mickey and Ellen, they often give in to their desires first then talk later. More often than not, always too late. They never seemed to express what is important to them or their own struggles. Preferred to keep it in and then making their own decisions. They tended to end up arguing rather than actually communicating.

            Dr John Gottman stipulates that he can predict the success of a marriage with 94% accuracy via brief interview sessions with the couple. Couple who argue constructively tend to have happier marriages. On the other hand, couples who employ these styles criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling will soon find themselves on a downward spiral of a dysfunctional relationship. A brief description of these styles can be related to every time Mickey and Ellen argued. The first, criticism is where one party tends to blame the other for anything that has occurred. We can see in the film that both Ellen and Mickey tried to blame each other for their unhappiness. Eventually coming to their own conclusions and making their own decisions whereas it should be a mutual one. Defensiveness is a natural reaction when being confronted with their own weaknesses being brought to light. A common response often being found when faced with criticisms. Which we can see when Mickey and Ellen throwing back each other’s criticisms. Contempt which probably the worst of the 4 styles. Often comes in the form of sarcasm, cynicism, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and so on. (Gottman,1994) We see this as the relationship between Mickey and Ellen deteriorates. Stonewalling may not be explicitly shown in the film between Mickey and Ellen. There is rarely an instance when they stop being responsive to one another. Perhaps the best example is when both decided to take a hiatus from each other.

            While communication as partners is important. Having friends in the marriage is just as important. As we can see from Mickey’s three to four best friends. Which interestingly depicts as couple with just as much oddities or flaws. Some with multiple failed marriages, odd habits, and even anti-marriage. This provides an interesting contrast from Mickey and Ellen’s own marriage. Despite all this, these very couples and friends had help support their marriage and dispense advice. Although sometimes they can be the wrongs kind of advice. More importantly however, a good marriage can encompass good friends who are willing to listen to and support your marriage.

References

Gottman, J.(1994) Why marriages fail. Psyuchoteraphy Neworker, 18(3), 40-40, Retrieved from www.search.proquest.com/docview/233304799?accountid=14649